It must be noted that as a first time mother, I may be overly concerned with some problems my son presents to me.
"Mommy, I have cramps in my legs"
OMG, it's the onset of juvenile arthritis.
"Mommy, I'm so dizzy"
REALLY?! Are you feeling hyperglycemic?!
"Mommy, I have a bad headache"
Jesus, it's a TUMOR!
HOWEVER, the crisis faced at bedtime last night was most certainly a cause for concern and spun me into an exaggerated mother panic mode that ended with my son pleading with me to shove an entire washcloth up his anus.
It was during our rudimentary bedtime routine, somewhere between pinning him down to brush his teeth and insisting that it was NOT time for some chocolate milkshakes, that I noticed the vigorous tugging on his bum. It started with a slight 'lean and tug' and progressed into a full-fledged excavation, wherein Braeden started to wail.
"MOOOOOMMMMY, MY BUM HURTS"
"What's wrong with it"
"It itches, FROM THE INSIDE"
"Okay, well maybe you have to poop" (Because a good poop is obviously the solution to every bum problem).
So hours went by, (it could have been minutes, but as he is male, and it was bedtime, he sat there until I insisted that nothing was going on down there and 'yes, your legs are numb because the toilet seat has cut off the blood flow to your lower extremities')
After a few minutes of back patting and comforting through the symphony of moans and grunts emitting from my disgruntled toddler's mouth, I did what every good mother parenting through the 21st century does: I Googled.
Suddenly, a clutched hand flew to my heart. Fungus'?! 'Pinworms?!'
.....and we rapidly progressed from a conditioned yellow raised state of alertness to RED ALERT as the sirens sounded throughout our home.
First we tried some basic diaper rash cream I had left over from diapering days. No good. He was pleased for .7 seconds and then the screeching returned.
Next I warmed a washcloth and placed it between cheeks. This was nice. This was good. But then, 'it wasn't deep enough and mommy can you put it alllll the way in'? No, because I will have a helluva time explaining THAT one the EMT technicians.
Exasperated after an hour of trying to calm the itchy bum I yielded to my toddlers pleas to leave his bed. We went into the living room and watched "House Hunters" which seem to placate him enough to allow commentary on the houses.
"Ooh, that kitchen is CUTE"
"Hey, your bum feels better?"
"Oh, No. Ouch! OUCH! MY BUM........ I like that pool, Mommy."
"If this is a ploy to stay up later I am going to be very mad at you"
"WOW MOMMY LOOK AT HIS CAR"
So finally, after 'House Hunters' was over I was convinced to lay down with him (and thus did not get any of my ironing accomplished, which threw me out of whack this morning and we all know what I can be like out of whack.)
At my mothers suggestion, I waited until he had fallen asleep and pulled out my flashlights and went searching for worms. Apparently, pinworms in humans is NOT a myth. Yet, teasing them out with a banana IS. And then I wondered what my reaction would be had someone opened the door just then as I hoovered inches above my child's bum with a flashlight strapped to my head peering and poking about. I can imagine something similar to this .
This morning he awoke without any recollection of the past nights events and only when I asked how his bum was doing did he acknowledged that, 'oh yes, my bum DID hurt last night, didn't it?'
Oh yes. It did.
Commence the decrease of alert level. Yellow alert. Remain stable.
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1 comment:
I totally remember when Miss Irene told us about pinworms and that banana coaxing... it would be hilarious if that really worked and you did it and Braeden woke up wondering what you were doing with a banana and a flashlight and his pants down. :)
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