Go shorty, it's your birthday.

This past Friday marked the 4th anniversary of the 25 worst/best hours of my life and to celebrate I threw an amazing party complete with magicians, ponies, showgirls, naked midgets, a Margarita fountain and a 6 foot ice-replica of the David.

Unfortunately, the showgirls were called back to Vegas and took the ponies with them. The magician's, upset with the girls sudden departure and the abundance of naked small people, decided that they too needed to leave. David dissolved in a half-hour and with nothing left to offset the absurdity of the pint-sized nudists, I had to request the last of the entertainment leave.

And all before the guest arrived. Damn.

Lucky, we still had the Margaritas!

I had planned for this day with as much gusto as a bride prepares for her pending nuptials, and as any parent can tell you, the days leading up to your child's birthday party can be every bit as frustrating as the moments leading up to the big 'I do.'

Where to have it? How to entertain? The guest list: all family? Some friends? WHO HAS KIDS TO INVITE? Do I have to invite his entire daycare class, or just the least bratty of the bunch? Can I keep people busy for at least two hours? He wants a party at the zoo. No, the Little Gym. Oh, maybe a pool party with naked little people. No, nix the little people. Bring on the ponies. DEAR GOD MAKE UP YOUR MIND! Invitations: make them? buy them? order them online? But, they cost a small fortune? No worries, you'll make it in on Scholarships, baby, there's no need to save. Food: Slave to the kitchen? Fast food junkie? Bathing suits: required? Presents to buy, goodie bags to make, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS!

.......all leading up to the main event, a birthday party not only enjoyed by all attendees but also relished by the only one that really counts: Your kid.

However, I am NOT one of those parents.

The type the take personal loans out for 'THE PARTY OF THE CENTURY' and have Swarovski crystals glued to the crown atop their precious Birthday Prince's head.

I spend what I consider a reasonable amount and snuff the $8 paper lanterns at IParty. Because lets get real, although I enjoy and look forward to this party: the planning, preparation and execution of my son's BIG DAY, I also reason that this kid would be content with a night spent with 4 candles stuffed into a Big Mac at Mickey D's and anything more than that is just going above and beyond.

So, the final plans were layed only a few weeks before the main event. A pool party (for a kid who still cannot swim) with pizza and snow cones. Hailed as: An afternoon to be enjoyed by all!

The morning of the party I was restless, months of preparation leading to this day had kept me busy and I could finally say I was done, it was 11:00 and guests should be arriving any minute!

11:00- Granny shows up!
11:05- No one
11:10- Another grandma shows up!
11:15- No one
11:20- STILL no one
11:25- OH SHIT
11:30- Woooooo-PANICMODE-Wooooooo
11:35- Finally those assholes start to arrive

The guests trickled in one by one and started shedding clothes along the way. The pool was freezing, as every good non-heated Floridan pool should be, yet as the sun bore down on the party, it became very welcoming indeed.

Pizza was delivered on time and delicious. The MONSTER truck cake was made to perfection, with even his name spelled correctly. People appeared to be having a good time and more importantly, the birthday boy was having a blast.

He received his bi-annual dose of toys, his birthday being the opposite side of the year from Christmas has been quite the treat (read: I never buy toys).

As the last person left the party, four hours from the time it began, and I slurped the remaining tequila off of the pool table, Brae declared it, 'THE BEST PARTY EVAH' and promptly retreated to the living room to demand the cardboard packaging be removed from all of his new toys.

And that bit of elated affirmation was all I needed, I had pulled off the BEST PARTY EVAH, midget-less and all.

I would even have a slew of pictures to prove my success if my computer wasn't being such a dick tonight and would allow me to upload them. Unfortunately, my PC suffers from PMS (PaininMyAss) and is refusing to let me do so.

I do however promise that as soon as it cycles through it's stubbornness I will be here ready to share with you the visual storyboard I just know you are dying for.