What up, Stephenie Meyer?

First off, you can thank facebook for my readership. You were a tiny blip on the map until that thing got a hold of you and then HOLY SHIT were you strung into thousand of pieces of 'flair' and 'bumper stickers' across the profiles of every hormonal adolescent with access to the Internet.

At first, I was confused by the sudden crop of Twilight buttons and paraphernalia and had mistaken you for that vampire series on HBO.

which I later learned is True Blood and oh, hi, HBO people? Will you please release that thing out on DVD when you get a chance? Some of your viewers are unable to tap into your channels illegally anymore and would really enjoy watching it. Thanks.

Yet my wicked googling detective skillz turned you up and within days I was at Borders with the first book in my hand. I figured anything that produced that amount of teenage hysteria was something I would undoubtedly be interested in.

And like many before me, I was sucked into the vampire lit with amazing force. It was queer- the emotions I had for it. I liked it and yet hated it all the same. The characters were just....'eh' the plot was.....'eh' and truth be told, Edward was a complete fucking tool. Yet still you managed to keep me awake night after night, reading from the flashlight strapped to my forehead. You know, I skipped out on some very useful studying time to catch up with Bella and that bi-polar control freak, guy you hate to love, dude she should have never fallen for.

And then you just went and pissed me off. For starters-

1) Breaking Dawn + Jacob = Pussy. You stripped my favorite character of his balls in the final moments. Not cool.

2) Those balls you stole from Jacob? You could have at least lent them to Bella. Because, DUDE....

3) RENESME?!?!?! W.T.F. I will blame you for the sudden trend of douchey combination names this will inspire. And so will Brae. I mean Jeffasey.

4) The actors they chose for your movie. Poo poo. A seriously shitty selection. Lets examine this:

THAT is Edward?! That's all you got? All the incessant whining about souls and uber manipulative behavior that Bella stuck through was for Cedric Diggory here? DISAPPOINT.

As for the rest of the entourage? Grrr. I can name at least ten different actors for each role who would be better suited. Granted they would require a small fortune and the promise of your first born to participate in the film, but STILL.

All I'm saying is that Jacob better be HOT.

We're fucked.