'Hollywood', only with larger tits

Today is day three of our Tennessee mountain family vacation. We've settled into our cabin nicely, sprawling out and letting the lush mountainy goodness envelope us. Our suitcases have been unpacked and our belongings now lay scattered about. We have maps of trails, tourist brochures and a lifetime supply of bottled water. We are equipped with a pool table, satellite television, wireless Internet and a hot tub. You didn't think we came up here to actually enjoy nature did you?

We arrived Saturday morning, after driving throughout the night. We were horribly cranky and stiff-necked as we pulled into Dillsboro, N.C. In planning for this trip, my mother had stumbled across a website for the Great Smoky Mountain Railway.

"A train ride, why Brae LOOOOVES trains, what a great idea!"

and upon further examination....

"Thomas the Train? A ride with Thomas the Train?! Brae LOOOOOVES Thomas the Train, what a great idea!"

Brae, does not in fact, love Thomas the Train. In truth, he's never watched a single episode of Thomas the Train. He has a train set that was purchased for him two Christmas' ago, which he has breathed on maybe a total of five times since it was presented to him.

However, pulling into that cramped parking lot and trudging through the mud after riding in a car all night was ALL made worth it when I saw the look on his face. He was enthralled. It was an actual replica of Thomas the Train pulling the train cars. We spent an hour fighting the crowd of people who were canned inside the ONLY roofed building at this event and were soaked by the time we reached our seats. The ride was less than 20 minutes long.

Barely alive hours later, we reached our cabin in Wears Valley, TN. Exhausted and tempered, we had left any semblance of a smile strapped into the seat of Thomas the Train, now hours behind us. We poured into the cabin and subsequently melted onto any piece of available furniture.

The following day we went on a small hike in the Smoky Mountain National Park. We hiked up to Sylva Falls and I demonstrated to the throng of tourists my gracefulness by slipping on a wet boulder and taking my son and 19-year old brother down with me. For a second I thought I had broken Brae's arm. Then I remembered that we had shitty HMO insurance and how destructive hospital bills could be. And by the power of my positive thoughts, I healed Brae's arm.

Eat that, Aetna.

Today though, today was the absolute pinnacle of our trip thus far. We visited the capital of fried-green tomato - coverall wearing - Copenhagen spitting - sweet-tea chugging- bluegrass belting - all-around country......

DOLLYWOOD!

The employees at Dollywood are NOT actual humans. They are robots who all have ultra-sensitive 'nice' chips installed in them. NO ONE is actually this friendly. I could have cupped a fart in my hand, thrown it in their face right as they leaned in to take that first bite of their pipping hot Angus burger, and they all would have clapped for me and requested an encore. They were just THAT enthusiastic.

Also, you realize just how little of a Southern accent you have when thrown into a pit of true southerners and how terms such as "Howdy" and "Darlin" do exist outside of a pixar film.

The day was filled with fattening food, roller-coasters, water rides and all-around family amusement. It was quite an adventure and left us all near comatose on the ride home.

In fact, I'm exhausted now and I think we are going white water rafting tomorrow.

And I was brought here under the guise that this would be a vacation, Ha!