A lengthy dilemma

I'm just going to put this out there-

I HATE shorts.

I have been spending entirely too much time over these past couple of weeks commiserating over my hatred of shorts.
Usually in front of the dressing room mirror.
While screaming and stomping.

Now, I realize that some people have the option of NOT wearing shorts- and really, that's lovely. However, I am not privileged as such. They are a necessity during these hot and humid summer months and my body does not love me enough to endure a 90 degree afternoon without stroking out. I know myself better than that.

So I've been looking for shorts, shorts that are acceptable and early into my search I learned just how unpleasant this task would be:

***and this is where I will inevitably piss some people off. Because, being skinny- I am prepared for the rash of shit that will come flying my direction when I say something disparaging about my weight. I KNOW, I AM NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE A NEGATIVE COMMENT ABOUT HOW THIN I AM. I should just feel blessed about my size and any thought/comment/suggestion made to contradict this and I will be stricken down with an extra 30 lbs. I know this- But I'll say it anyway, because I walk that line.***

AND HERE IT IS: It's not easy to find shorts appropriate for an adult when you straddle the double and triple digits.

Here goes my shopping experience:

Children's section- Yes I can fit into these, its humiliating though and I choose not to. For very obvious reasons. Not including the rainbow colored selection offered- because that is awesome.

Juniors- Hello, less than an inch of fabric between my ass check and the world? Not to mention the risk of exposure on the north end, ya know?

Women's- Oh this is where I should be, yet I'm not. Want to know why? Because they are not fitting properly. Some are too large most are too long and a few I wouldn't let Granny walk out of the house in.

I've gone to four different malls in the past two weeks. I scoured racks and racks and rack and I've come to the conclusion that the only option available to me is Bermuda shorts. Because they fit (most of the time), they are long enough to cover my big ass and I can safely refrain from looking post-menopausal.

I know I'm being whiny- but you know, all damn day I listen to cry babies and have to feign interest and you read this by choice.

That was it.
Phew. That rant actually made me feel a bit better.
Back to my cheesecake.