D-Day.

Yesterday I sat down posed and ready to regale you with tales of the lingerie party I attended last weekend. I typed sentence over sentence and paused to examine the blank page before me. I was stumped. Not because I had nothing to say: booby tassels, crotchless panties, mechanical bull riding and penis straws do make for good entertainment; but because I was lost in another thought.

My divorce is today.

If all goes according to plan, I will be legally single again in less than 5 hours.

I have butterflies the size and weight of watermelons in my stomach. My adrenaline has been pulsating through my body since 4:44 am, when I woke up from a sound sleep with one thought in my head: today is the end of the end.

I don't know how to describe my emotions at this point. I feel vulnerable and depressed, but also positive and committed at the same time. I feel compelled to beat the ever-loving shit out of him outside the court room for all the pain he has caused his son, yet I know that the truth is- I will never be able to hate him for what has transpired in the past year.

It's a day of contradictions, so it seems. Today will we stand in court a broken couple and receive our blessing to travel alone, two people who wanted to make it work- but failed to prioritize the other in their life.

I don't know my opinion on marriage anymore. It will probably change in the next few years, so I try not to let my negative feelings contaminate me. I am trying very hard to change the way I regard my surroundings and not let myself be swept away in this bitter sea I have created around me.

I may not be ready for tomorrow, or prepared for my future. But I am ready for today.

And I think that is all that matters.