I'll issue his retraction.

I've tried at times to forgive him.

When my blood is cooled and I am complacent, feet propped on a pillow on the couch and tissues shoved up my nose during a sappy chick flick, I wonder what the hell happened.......

I know all the obvious answers: we were too young, too immature, the pregnancy was unplanned, hell the MARRIAGE was unplanned. I was too controlling, he was too lazy. I was too forward thinking, he reveled in the moment. I wanted a life I could be proud of, he wanted only to exist.

But then there are the subtle reasons why we were good together. He was dedicated to me, to us. I was happiest when I was with him. I sacrificed my family, friends, education - my life, to be with him and I still don't regret that. It was a transition that played a large part in my decision to move on with my life. It was then that I realized the dynamics between us were complicated and static and we were not going to change. I returned to Florida, my home, after living together for 8 months in Washington. I returned home to resume my education and to raise our son with the support of my family and friends. I returned home aware that the ship we had built was rapidly sinking in unsteady waters.

And then there were the separations following our separation. From state to state we fought. Him moving about the country enjoying his life with his military friends. My commiserating self bound with the responsibilities of new motherhood. He fought hard, I wanted to throw in the towel. We separated. Then I would miss the phone calls, the emotional support, the emails sympathizing with the hardships I was facing. We would resume the interaction. I would visit. He would visit. We were far from a conventional marriage, but safe.

And then there was the other woman. And she came and left in her wake a flurry of irreconcilable damage. There are really no sentiments that could express the emotions I had at that time. I was everything and nothing at once. But it forever changed how I looked at him. He was sorry, I was unforgiving. He wanted to work it out, I wanted him to somehow be different. It was a mistake to try and let us move on. However, I did.

He was discharged from the Navy after 4 years of service and returned to Florida. We had a house, a baby and a cat. We struggled financial, we only struggled. I tried to pull it together but there was not much left. I was out of the relationship long before he was committed to making it work.

So I left.

I moved back in with my parents, tried to pick up the pieces of what I had left. Braeden and I were safe. I struggled, we only struggled. He stopped coming by to pick Brae up. He stopped writing the checks to pay for his school. Brae stopped asking about him and I stopped making unrealistic excuses. I cried.

I've cried a lot these past 11 months. I've wept into the shoulders of my friends and bawled as my mother spoke about her day. I've pushed back tears during weddings and engagements. I've even let one or two slip in a sad movie. And now I've stopped crying.

He will continue to make excuses, something he has had years to perfect. The rumors will continue to spread and grow ugly until I am confronted and the truth will issue forth. People can pick a side or remain neutral. Because I've lived it, I continue to live it. I've held a weeping toddler when he wanted to see his father but couldn't, I've fielded the inquiries from a baby's mouth and watch as he rejected the man he believed to be his father. I've watched as his tiny reality was re-shaped and his family reformed into something new.

People will continue to talk and I am okay with that. I am finally growing uninterested with people's opinions of me, or him or us. The truth is- he was never there. He doesn't know. He couldn't know. I have never denied him access to his son and yet he claims this to be true. It's not, It couldn't be farther from the truth. There were times I drove to his work on my lunch break to plead with him to visit, but was slapped with an excuse. So, I stopped trying and apparently he continued with the excuses.

Truth? There is NO custody battle, there was never a custody battle.
I have NOT denied him access to his son, I never have.

Truth? He has not spent a day with his son in over 6 months.
The last time he called his son he was interested only in reconciliation. When he realized that was impossible he stopped calling.
He has no money for child support, yet parties with mutual friends on the weekend.
He has no time for his son, yet is dating the third girl in 11 months and sees her frequently.

The truth is not as pretty as the rumors. I'm sorry, you can jazz it up mentally, but really the truth is an ugly reality.

Yet, the only reality.